“Oh Lord, where do I fit? How do you drink when the sweet and bitter mix? There might be too much bitter in that sweet. I want to let go….move on….embrace today, but self-will run rampant gets me every time.” (A glimpse into my heart, June 11, 2013 Nashville, TN)
I didn’t do much journaling over the year and a half season we lived in Nashville. Every effort to write seemed to come with a resistance; a weight that kept me silent. I spent many nights sitting up, with racing thoughts, but my hand was too heavy to lift the pen. What little did make it to paper came as desperate pleas…calls for release from a prison I couldn’t define.
I didn’t find myself there…..in the South. I thought maybe I would. But, I couldn’t see my mind through the trees, I couldn’t breathe freely in that stifling air. For the first time, I resided in the hustle and bustle of major metropolitan life…a city filled with people and dreams, hearts, and egos. I sometimes filled a single seat amongst many, in the stadium of the mega church we meant to call home. But I wasn’t home….never was. It was the loneliest time in my life.
I can say that now, and I’m ok with it. I learned through this, its not worth it to deny where you are in a season. There can be too much loss that comes of it. Yes, there will be those that judge, that maybe whisper behind your back…but their pricks are nothing compared to the trouble that comes from your own deceit.
Once, a mentor of mine told me, “Jen, you need to just be Jen. I mean, you need to just sit in that chair, and BE Jen.” I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Every fiber in me cried out “Noooooooo, I need to be this and this, and that and that! Anything but me!” I think that is what I made Nashville, my escape from me…. a long time desired dream since early girlhood. If only I could leave, run off far away, I can be whomever, whatever I want! Emptiness is what came instead, along with her friends, insecurity and fear.
Thankfully today, I can easily say who and what I am NOT, and I’m ok with those nots. So, all that’s left is me, and I’m finally settling down, contentedly into that chair.